If you have ever been pregnant you know that people love to talk about their pregnancies in graphic detail. They want to tell you the good, the bad and the terrifying. However, no one talks about postpartum. Oh sure, you hear the jokes about raging hormones, baby blues and sleepless nights. Yet no one REALLY shares their experience. After talking to a few of my friends I was surprised to learn that some of the emotions and feelings I felt were commonly experienced by others.
My delivery was a surprise. I wasn't having contractions, my water hadn't broken, the nursery wasn't done, my bags weren't packed and I had a list of errands to complete. In fact having an anxiety-ridden drive to the hospital was the only event that took place like I had allowed myself to imagine. I was not prepared to have an outside baby that day. I truly loved my daughter immediately after birth but I did not feel the bond I had imagined. While holding and staring at my beautiful baby girl I mourned the loss of my other baby. My inside baby. The baby that I had grown to love and know intimately over the previous nine months. I wanted my inside baby back. Those feelings also didn't go away immediately. At home I sat on the floor of my shower and cried until the water turned cold because I couldn't share such appalling feelings with anyone, even my husband. If only I had known that forming the mother baby bond is a process and mourning for the inside baby can be normal.
Pregnancy was painful. Very painful. Charlotte's head sat in my ribs for most of the pregnancy and I truly thought it was just a matter of time before my rib cracked. I also had joint pain which had me hobbling around from about 20 weeks on. The rib pain went away immediately after birth, although, I do have flair ups if I sit in certain positions for too long. The joint pain on the other hand has only gotten worse. There are mornings where I can barely stand on my left foot, my elbow creaks as I brush my hair and my wrist wants to give out as I pick up my baby. Come to find out postpartum joint pain is common, especially in breastfeeding mothers. Typically it begins to ease up either a few months after birth or a few months after weaning.
Breastfeeding is hard. Very hard. There are days that I did nothing but sit on my couch nursing my baby and crying. Those days sucked. Our hospital and pediatricians office sent us home with formula and it was so hard to not give in to the temptation of thinking lets just give her formula. Thankfully, I didn't give in and fortunately, the hard days were very temporary in the grand scheme of things. Seven months in and nursing has become a time of quiet snuggles that I look forward to.
Finally, that it's okay to say no. No we aren't having visitors today, no I don't want you to hold my baby right now, no we won't be bring her and about yet, etc. The first few weeks are very important bonding time and putting others feelings ahead what I needed interfered with that bond. Thankfully, wearing Charlotte in the moby wrap and spending quiet time together quickly helped us reform that necessary bond.
While I miss my squishy little baby I definitely don't miss those hard first few weeks of postpartum.
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